TESTIMONIES OF CHRIST - BONING LI

My name is Boning Li and I am a freshman at Penn. My major is Chemical and Biomolecular Engineering. I live in the suburbs of New Jersey with my parents, my grandma, and my five year old sister.

I have always had this plan for my life.

One, I was going to do really well in school and get a really good job that paid enough so I can live very comfortably and still do all the fun stuff people with money do on television.

Two, I was going to fall in love.

I didn’t think these were too much to ask for. I had my life goal planned. Everything was going to be okay.

With these goals in mind, I started high school as an optimistic freshman. I didn’t drink or smoke—I considered myself to be a good daughter, friend, and student.

But when I look back in the journals that I wrote in, I realized I was so very bitter and depressed. Even though I was blessed with loving parents, an education most people aren’t able to afford, I was constantly sad, and I felt empty.

I didn’t know why. I was constantly jealous of others who had more than me or seemed happier than me; I was extremely goal oriented, and it controlled my life. And at the end of the day, I would look at myself and I hated myself so much; I hated the ugliness inside of me.

My New Years Resolution for every year was to change; but under every leaf that I turned, the old one was always there. I didn’t know what to do than to sometimes cry myself to sleep.

Yes, I was a perfectionist and I wanted to die.

When I first came to Penn, I was still lost; but I thought I can still hold my battleground. But God had plans for me. I was blessed with a Christian roommate (her name is Ah Rim Shin), but she became more than just a Christian roommate, we became really good friends.

We get each others’ jokes—well, most of the times; if we don’t, one of us just stares at the other.

So she convinced me to go to GCC, and I loved it; it really opened my eyes and dissipated many of my false preconceptions of this religion

For instance, one of the most important thing I learned was that Christianity was not a religion: it was a personal relationship with God

Ah Rim signed up for small group, and so did I. I was blessed with a very kind and warm hearted family group and a really good family group leader; I began to know more of my sisters and brothers and each showed me more of God by sharing their individual take on Christianity with me.

Looking back, I wonder if it was God that carried me? When I felt like I was drowning in darkness, was He that gave me the light to carry on?

It must have been God or how else did my grandma survive the Cultural Revolution?

It must have been God or how else were my parents strong enough to start a life here in America?

It must have been God because I could’ve died a long time ago in China and no one would have cared. It must have been God because I am standing here, breathing now.

I realized none of my goals made any sense any more. When I wanted to do well in school and have a good job application, I just wanted security and approval from my parents and my peers.

Approval from my parents so that they would say “Hey, look at my daughter, I’m so proud of her; my sacrificed sweat and blood has paid off”
or “ Hey, look at my friend, she is so cool; she’s got everything going on for her.”

So that at the end of the day, when I look into the mirror, I can feel good about myself and feel like I deserve to live.

But after hearing the Lord’s word every Sunday, I realized that the security I seek was already granted to me when I decided to pursue this faith.

And the most important approval has already been granted to me when God has accepted me as his child and allowed me to enter His Kingdom in Heaven and to walk with him forever.

And when I wanted to fall in love, I didn’t realize that God has given me the most precious gift of all— Him; And I have fallen in love with him ever since the day I realized that He thinks I am more precious than the Universe.

And, God, I want to fall in love with you more everyday. I feel so free now; and there is peace in my heart. This the way it should’ve been, and the way it should be.

What truly amazes me is that God has given me His only son so that his blood would cover me, even though I was so undeserving of Him. I was so unworthy, yet He loved me—all of me. And even though I can’t be truly perfect for my God, I long to do so because I love Him, too.

I don’t know what the future might bring or if I will resolve all of my doubts in this faith. But what I do know is that:

When I think of God
I feel like a lamb being led by my shepherd, Jesus
I feel an overwhelming love enveloping me
I feel like that I have awakened out my darkness
loving everything and all that is here because He has made everything that is here

God makes me smile
God gives me the strength to live
God gives me the faith to believe
And God gives me the hope to love
God, thank you so much for the Truth

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